August, 1943

Monday, August 2, 1943

Not much has really happened this week…

Thursday, August 12, 1943

I just had a sicha in the kvutza. The sichot in the kvutza are very educational for me. We’re now focusing on the character of young people and even some psychology. I’m really interested in those topics. We’ll also be talking about more mature and sexual matters in future sichot. Sometimes, though, I still feel like leaving the kvutza. It’s because I feel distanced from the girls. Leo went with me to the city last week to talk about the kvutza. He asked me why I don’t speak up more during the sichot. I explained that I’ve tried to express myself before, but I couldn’t, so I told him that I would continue to make a real effort.

On Sunday, we had a birthday party for Jakov. We played some forfeits games, and all of a sudden someone asked me if I was in love with anyone here. I said no, but then someone asked if I had been in love in Lesno Brdo. I don’t know how it happened, but “yes” slipped out of my mouth, and I turned red. For two days after that, I was in such a bad mood that I was close to leaving the kvutza. This Shabbat, our kvutza is going to Modena to the Peshinah. I’m already looking forward to it.

Saturday, August 21, 1943

Not much has really changed in the last few days. But I have to share something uncomfortable: Salli is dating a Croatian girl because she’s a really strong type. On one hand, I’m happy for him, but on the other hand, I’m annoyed. Every time I see them together, I feel this wave of jealousy. Sometimes, when he’s well-dressed and looks good, I find myself having a crush on him, but he

doesn’t pay any attention to me. He only throws me a glance every now and then, which makes me look at him again. Sometimes it even feels like I might be in love with Leo. He was sick this week, and when I saw him, I was really shocked. His gaze can be so confusing. Also, I’m back on good terms with Berta, and that’s my situation this week.

Friday, August 27, 1943

In the afternoon, I was outside on the hill reading. It was so amazing. I wore my swimsuit and shorts. And I’m reading a great book called Jakobsen’s Werke. It has several short stories, all about love, and some are rather freely written. The German soldiers are here now, and I can’t describe how much I enjoy seeing them. It almost makes me feel like home when I hear them speaking the proper German, it just lifts me up somehow. Sometimes, I even think I look pretty. Lately, many people have been telling me that I’m getting prettier all the time, and it makes me really happy. I also had some pictures taken, but I won’t give them to anyone just yet. Maybe the time will come when I’ll be able to give a picture of myself to someone close to me.

Sometimes, I’m not entirely satisfied with myself, especially when I talk to a boy. You have to keep a cool and distant tone with them, and I do that almost all the time. Something happened with Leo, though. On Sunday, he came to me and asked if I wanted to go to Panaro with him. I

didn’t really want to, but I said yes to do the kvutza a favor. I waited for him the whole time and he never showed up. I thought to myself that I wasn’t stupid enough to take off my swimsuit again. And guess what? Leo went to Panaro without me. If he didn’t want to go with me, he could have just told me instead of leaving me hanging. Of course, he felt guilty about it. He ended up being sick for two days. It wasn’t until the second day that I went to check on him and see if he needed anything. I felt really sorry for him, and so we only exchanged the necessary words.

Sunday, September 5, 1943

I had kitchen duty all week, both in the morning and the afternoon, with Betti, so I have this week off. It’s unbelievable how I have been waiting for this month. The work wasn’t actually that hard, but it was really dirty. There were some days when I had to work really hard, but they passed quickly, thank goodness.

I also have something new to report: I’m learning to type. I can’t believe how much I enjoy it. It’s actually pretty easy to learn; it just takes practice. I have to say something about the kvutza as well. Recently, we had sichot where Leo read to us from a book called “Youth Character Study.” I find it really interesting to listen to him read, while others are off doing silly things. During one sicha, we talked about a few things. That’s when Leo told Lola that I am more of an individual than he is.