Sonja's Story

July, 1943

Sunday, July 7, 1943

Since I haven’t written for a week, I have a lot to share today. First, I have some surprising news: on Friday, Leo came to me and said he wanted to talk. I was wondering what was going on. The day before, I had already sensed it had something to do with the kvutza because I noticed he had been speaking with each individual chaver. So then, on Friday after dinner, Leo and I talked.

He first told me that one couldn’t live under the current conditions, how we are treated, especially the girls. And because there had to be someone who needed to speak for us, he had gone to Joschko to discuss how to change this current atmosphere. They came up with the idea that, since he sees how we younger ones have been walking around feeling like we have no one and how we are going through life with sad faces. And that older boys wouldn’t have to put up with the same stuff as younger girl. So then he suggested that we should form a new circle, aside from Frieda (not interested). I agreed right away because I realized we can’t continue living like this. I also asked if he would like to lead us, and he said he would really like to, but not everyone would agree. This is mainly because something happened with him last year. I told him that we have all forgotten and want to forget. We’ll see how it goes.

Monday, July 12, 1943

A lot has actually changed this week. Leo invited me for a walk one evening, and we shared everything so wonderfully and laughed together, which was really great. During the sicha, Leo told us that we should become a real kvutza now. On Friday evening, we played a team game together.

Sunday, July 18, 1943

I’m all dressed and bathed early today. A lot has happened this week. The factory in Nonantola sent out requests for more young boys and girls to work. They work all day, and the best part is that you earn your money. I really wanted to go, but Jakir said I was too small and too weak. That put me in a bad mood. So what was I supposed to do? I stayed home and had to work. Those of us in the house get 20 lire. With 20 lire, you can’t do much.

As for the kvutza, here’s the thing: I get so flustered whenever Leo says anything to me—I blush and my heart races. Why is that? It’s all very confusing. Sometimes I wonder what I’m actually supposed to do in the kvutza, the girls always leave me alone. It’s always like that. But it’s nothing too serious. Maybe things will change one day. One new thing I have to report is that I can’t cry anymore.

Monday, July 26, 1943

First, I need to mention that there have been many political changes, and the Italian government, along with Mussolini, has been overthrown. For us, things look promising, but it is possible that the fascist parties become opponents. Who knows. It’s also not possible to travel to Modena now because the roads are blocked with tanks. I hope everything turns out well for us. But one thing is really bothering me emotionally, and that’s the kvutza. To be honest, I don’t really feel comfortable there. Maybe it’s because I don’t get along well with the girls, or maybe it’s because I have a strange relationship with Leo. It is not yet clear to me whether I should leave the kvutza or stay.

I want to share an incident that made me realize how alone and lonely I am. Yesterday, everyone in the kvutza went to the Fiera together. Every girl had a boy with her—Lola had Manfred, Eva had Salli, Gerda was with Jakov, and I was with Joachim. I spent the whole time riding in the car with Joachim, but then he suddenly said I should wait because he wanted to take Nelli for a ride. Fine, I waited for a while, but he didn’t come back. I didn’t feel comfortable among all the

Nonantolans, so I hurried home to avoid being bothered by anyone. I arrived home like a crazy person, and quickly lay down in bed. I felt so terrible that I couldn’t fall asleep. I wished I could cry, but I just couldn’t; I thought it would make me feel better if I could cry and let it all out. Sometimes it feels like I don’t have anyone at all. But I can’t understand why, after I’ve helped the girls so much, they suddenly are so mean to me. One thing is true, though: Danko seems to be making an effort to get closer to me. He always greets me or talks to me when he sees me. That must mean something.

And aunt Sabina hasn’t been writing to me any more. Oh, Mutti, please hear me, it would be so beautiful if I could get to you. Oh, I’m drowning in pain, and no one hears me; that’s how my life is. I’ll wait a bit longer to see how my relationship with the kvutza changes. Maybe I will leave.