Spring, 1943 (Villa Emma)

In early April 1943, as the residents of Villa Emma prepared for the Passover holiday, a rumor spread that new children from Split, Yugoslavia, were scheduled to arrive. This rumor was confirmed just two days before the holiday.

From Sonya’s Diary

Monday, April 4, 1943

Lately, I’ve been in a very bad mood. It’s because I feel much poorer than everyone else. Many people are going on bike rides, but Berta and I are the only ones left out. That’s how it is when you have no money. Sometimes I get such a desperate longing for my dear Mutti that I could cry. I often feel like I have no one and that I’m completely alone. I’m also not as close with Tamar as I used to be. When she comes here, she goes off with other boys and girls. It’s always like that. If Berta gets along well with her, then I’m left alone. But if I’m on good terms with her, then Berta is alone.

I can also report that in a few days, the Croatians will be here. I am looking forward to meeting new people. Oh, if only I had money! The day after tomorrow, I’ll be observing the Yahrzeit for my beloved, dear Papa. There is one thing I have to write down: last night, I went for a little walk with Ursel. She told me many dirty stories about what the boys are up to. First, she said that the boys are going to Modena to satisfy themselves with the girls there. Rumor is that almost all the boys are doing this. Ugh…

Wednesday, April 14, 1943

In a few hours, the people from Split will arrive. I’m so curious about the new chaverim; it’s hard to imagine! I’m spending the final moments in the old chevra. Maybe among all the boys, there will be one I like and who likes me back. Maybe I’ll be lucky, but I doubt it because I always seem to have bad luck. While other people are going off somewhere with money, I have to stay home alone. The only person who truly cares about me, thinks of me, and writes to me is Mathilda. Last week, I wrote her a long letter full of love. Yesterday, she replied with a letter that showed me someone still cares about me. Sometimes I feel so abandoned and lonely that I’m in a bad mood all day and just want to cry. Berta and I are the only girls who feel truly left out and have no one here. All the other girls get along with some of the others, but I don’t have anyone. If only one day I could be happy. When will it be?

Sunday, April 26, 1943

The long-awaited chaverim have now arrived and have been here for over two weeks. Unfortunately, my wish to meet a boy here has not come true. There’s a sixteen-year-old, handsome, intelligent boy, but he seems to have a major flaw. He comes off as a bit of a “Belami type”. He approaches any girl he finds appealing, which I don’t find attractive in a boy. In the meantime, Pessach has passed, and Luzato was also here. He asked me why I walk alone. I told him I have no friends. After that, we talked about many things, and I could see he’s very clever. The next day, I went for a walk with him again, and he explained to me what religion is and what it means. He looked at me in such a way that it felt strange, almost like something I couldn’t quite put into words.

Saturday, May 1, 1943

It’s evening now, and I feel like writing in my diary. A lot has changed for me. I’m not as close with Joschko as I used to be. I don’t know why. Ever since the Croatians arrived, he has become

distant toward me. Well, I guess I also need a change of pace. New friendships have formed here, including one with Salli. He’s fallen for a girl and has become friends with her. I have to admit that those two don’t really seem to match at all. Still, I’m happy he’s found a girl he likes. It just goes to show how much he values beauty. That’s fine by me.

Wednesday, May 6, 1943

Finally, after the long rainy days, today is a beautiful, sunny spring day. The past few days were so incredibly boring that it left everyone feeling moody.

Sunday, May 10, 1943

I just cried myself out straight from my heart. Here’s how it happened. Some chaverim from Milan came to visit us today. There was supposed to be a sicha in the afternoon, but I had dish duty and finished late. So I didn’t feel like going to the sicha anymore. I was already feeling very down in the morning. My heart was filled with longing and loneliness. When I went downstairs, Marko asked me to join the sicha, but I just didn’t couldn’t do it. Marko, being himself, took my arm and insisted that I go in. That made me feel embarrassed, so I left. I went outside and there in the greenery, I cried in a way that hasn’t happened in a long time. As my tears were flowing, I thought of my beloved, dear Mutti, and when I think about it all, I realize I don’t have a single person left in the world. My Mutti is somewhere out there, but I don’t know where. My dear siblings are in the same situation. Other people here have relatives nearby or someone dear to them. But I have neither. I feel a terrible fear about my future. I will always be unluckily in love. I can see that now. I had a nice conversation with Giuseppe once, but I can’t be happy with him either, as he seems like a Belami-type. I want to find and meet the right person someday. Oh, when will I finally experience that? Mutti, if you only knew how your daughter screams with longing for you, you would have done anything to rush and come to me. Really, Mutti, I have seen what a mother means to a child. She gives everything she has to her child. Her child is the only being in the world that brings her joy. Yes, dear Mutti, perhaps one day there will come a time when we will all see each other again in great joy. Who knows what will happen next? How is dear Martin and dear Sami? Please, dear Mutti, if you can, write me a long, detailed letter.

Saturday, May 22, 1943

In the chevra (our group), something is not right once again. Last night there was a sicha (meeting) about a situation that occurred in the chevra in recent days. The moatzah (committee runs the group, comprised of the youth and led by one of the adult leaders) imposed a heavy punishment on those responsible. As a result, many chaverim (members of the group) said last night in the sicha that the moatzah should be dissolved. Most of these chaverim were from our old chevra (the original group of girls). But nobody really wanted to hear

anything about it. When I heard them discussing such foolish matters, I immediately went to bed. But I must honestly say that, in my opinion, I don’t care about the moatzah at all. I think it should be dissolved. What does the moatzah even do? Nothing and again nothing. The whole Croatian group is in favor of the moatzah. They are such groveling, submissive creatures. I can’t stand the Croatians. And Joschko, how revolting he is—there are no words. He just ingratiates himself wherever he can. When a person behaves like that, he means nothing to me. And the things you hear about him. That’s just how it is here. All this here disgusts me. Where can I find something joyful? Yesterday, I received a card from Aunt Sabina in Italy. She wrote that she is very worried about me. It seems she moved and has written me again. I look forward to something very much: when she sends me things and money. Then I really won’t need anyone. A good example for when you have no money is that I haven’t had ice cream once this year, while

other chaverim (members of the group) go to town almost every day to buy some. If someone has no money, he at least has someone who treats him. Unfortunately, I also have to report that we are no longer allowed to go to the cinema and that it’s all over now. For me, the cinema was the only distraction I had. With Salli, things are now quite strange. I don’t speak a single word with him. I know it’s not right. But what am I supposed to do? Sometimes he disgusts me so much that I can’t even look at him. For example, at lunch today, he looked really handsome, and I remembered how well we used to get along and how it is now. But I see that he doesn’t want anything to do with me. But sometimes we look into each other’s eyes for so long that I get dizzy.

Sunday, May 30, 1943

It’s now the afternoon after doing the dishes, and I’m sitting in my room. Almost the whole chevra went to the cinema, and here I am, the only one suffering. Every week around this time, I get in such a bad mood. I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s the cinema. When I see everyone getting invited to go, it feels like everything inside me is crying. I really don’t want to be pitied. Why? Besides there’s nobody here who would feel any pity for me.

Right now, Fritz is playing Madame Butterfly on the piano. I could just cry, but I’m holding it back. Also, I have to report that I got a letter from Mathilda this week, which really made me happy. And even better, Mrs. Nagler came to visit Tilla this week. That moment hit me hard. I don’t know what I would do; I’d probably go crazy. I’d start crying and sobbing and tell my dear Mutti all about how things are here. Not many people can be as lucky as Tilla, and I can’t help but think about it. Oh, dear Mutti, if only you knew.

Wednesday, June 2, 1943

I’m in such a crazy mood lately, one wouldn’t believe it. I walk around all day with a serious face, and people are actually starting to get concerned about me. When evening comes, I escape to Karo. Karo is a dog who unfortunately is tied up on a leash. So I often go to Karo and have breakfast with him. Whenever I feel sorry for an animal, I do a lot to help them. Yesterday, I also received a Red Cross letter from Aunt Paula. I don’t know, but I didn’t even feel happy about it. The girls are talking about school and the school trips now. It really was very beautiful.

Tuesday, June 9, 1943

These are terrible days for our chevra. Jakir has been threatening us a lot, saying we have to be home by nine o’clock. Going out after nine is strictly forbidden. And now they’re punishing us with food. If you don’t work, you don’t get to eat. No sichot can be held either because Jakir is afraid we might talk against him. We wanted to go somewhere and have a sicha, but somehow Jakir found out. He told us we couldn’t go out in the afternoon. Then, he said there would be a

assefah at nine o’clock in the evening. All the chaverim had already planned that only Kuki, Jossel, Leo Koffler, and Leo Kajon would show up for the assefah. All the other chaverim decided not to go. After that, Jakir said we wouldn’t get any food. A sicha was called for the

adults. Mr. Boris fought for us; we actually called for him. He fought so hard that we ended up getting food after all. At the meeting, Jakir told us that four responsible adults were chosen. Those four are: Mr. Boris, Marko, Joschko, and Armand. And now life will start up again. Last night there was so much excitement. I really liked that. But it felt awful to me how the chaveroth and chaverim are treating me. I keep swallowing my tears, and I keep asking myself, can I not get away from here? Aunt Sabina isn’t writing to me anymore, why? I don’t know. If Aunt Sabina would take me in, I would have gone to her a long time ago. Oh, my dear Mutti.

Monday, June 30, 1943

What a time it is now in the chevra; it’s never been like this before. Everyone wants to show off. For example, Marko. As I mentioned, Marko is practically in the hanhala now. He’s acting like he runs things around here. A lot of girls cried because of him. If people are crying over him, it must be serious. I don’t get why he suddenly cares about us. He never bothered about the chevra before. Now he’s working with a few others, but why does it have to be Markus Schoky, that criminal.

Last week, for example, I should mention that we’re getting fifty Lira this month—about ten Lira each week. Well, last week, Berta and I went to the movies without permission. The film was really good. It was so worth it. But when we got home, Marko yelled at us right away, asking what we thought we were doing and how rude we were. It hardly bothered me what he said. On Friday during dinner, they announced that those who went to the movies wouldn’t get paid this week. I could’ve been mad, but I didn’t show it. Why should I? I know who I’m dealing with.

Before, when Marko yelled at me, I would’ve let it get to me. Now I could be cheeky toward him, and it wouldn’t bother me at all. Lately, I keep holding back my tears when I feel like crying. Also, Aunt Sabina wrote to me two weeks ago, saying she might take me in. She just needs to find a place first. It would be amazing if I could go to her. I just wrote her a card, pouring out my heart. Maybe I can go to her after all. I hope so!!!!!!! Mutti, Mutti, please hear me, I can’t stay here any longer. Life is so unpleasant here. Why don’t you hear me?

Also, something awful happened to me. A boy here has a crush on me. His name is Glücks. He’s not really a boy anymore; he’s 23. He kept coming up to me, and I kept giving him dismissive answers.