The Lost Diary

According to Sonja’s personal accounts from later in life, during the rushed escape, she did not have enough time to gather all her belongings, including her diary. Her greatest worry at the time was where her diary had gone, as she had had to leave it behind in Villa Emma. The thought that someone might read it and discover things they shouldn’t know caused her great anxiety. At the hospital of the Sisters of the Order of the Hospitallers, Sonja and the younger girls were accommodated in an undisclosed building — to this day, it is not definitively known where it was located. She felt as though she were in a real “prison” here and would have preferred to stay with a farmer family. It is true that the girls were not allowed to leave the house. Nevertheless, as the diary attests, they sometimes received visits from friends who had been placed elsewhere. While staying in her location, Sonja learned that “almost all the older boys” — there were ten — had set out on their own towards the south with the goal of crossing the front line to join the Allies south of Naples, which three of them actually managed to do. One of them was Leo Koffler, who said goodbye to Sonja before he left. The preparations for the escape to Switzerland are also carefully recorded in the diary, to the extent that Sonja was informed about them by the nuns.

Finally, Sonja’s wish was fulfilled when she was allowed to leave the nuns and was taken in by Don Arrigo Beccari at his family home in the parish house in Rubbiara, near Nonantola. This is a remarkable piece of news, as it had previously only been known that Don Beccari had played a decisive role in arranging for the children to be housed at the seminary. Sonja emphasized that she felt very comfortable with the family. When the time came for her to depart for Switzerland.

Sonja’s Diary during that time

Nonantola, September 11, 1943.

Today marks the third year since I left home. Here’s the situation: Italy has made peace with England, but the Germans are taking revenge. First, they’re unleashing their anger on the Jews and are searching for us. In the evening, we all dressed up and went in groups to the seminary, where the nuns were really kind to us. I wanted to bring my diary along, but Marko forbade it. So I went there often, but my diary was nowhere to be found. I’m in absolute despair. Someone might have taken it and is reading through everything. That would be absolutely awful. But maybe the boys took the diary with the clothes and brought it over with to the farmer. I hope so; then it would be safe. I was truly distraught in the seminary after we were told how bad things are for us, and we still didn’t have any of our things.

Sunday, September 12, 1943

I’m always sitting outside in the courtyard, and supposed to be reading, but I can’t because I’m in such a bad mood. I think I’ve never felt this desperate before. No one cares about me. I feel so lonely again. Many people are staying with the farmers, and the younger ones are left behind, and I’m always the one who has to suffer. I’m always crying and can’t stop; I feel so awful. And on top of that, I still can’t find my diary; who knows who has it? We could easily go to Florence since there are no Germans there yet. If I had money, I would have gone to Florence by myself. Matilde would have taken me in right away. Leo just came by, and I didn’t say a word to him. Whenever I’m eating and he shows up, I get embarrassed and can’t even look at him. But that’s always how it is – when he comes, I never say a word to him. I wish I could get away from this house. If I could stay with a farmer, the work wouldn’t be so bad. I just can’t stand being here with these girls; life here is terrible. If only I could leave here. But it’s never going to work; I’ll never get away.

Wednesday, September 15, 1943

I just heard that Joachim has my diary. You can’t imagine how furious I am with him. How could he just take my diary and read through it. It’s absolutely outrageous, what he did. When I heard this, I started to cry so hard that I wasn’t able to stop. I also remembered that Salli must have read it too. If he has, I might as well bury myself. I wouldn’t have anything left of that diary, only that it is an everlasting memory of Lilli. Yesterday, Slata asked me what I had going on with Lucato. I didn’t say anything and didn’t think much of it. O boy, I’ll let Joachim know just how I feel about this, maybe even give him a slap. I’ve never experienced something so outrageous in my life. Apparently, Leo and Lilli are also leaving. And the Germans have occupied our Villa.

Saturday, September 18, 1943

I still don’t have my diary. Joachim only had a small notebook, where I had written down a few things. I’d be glad if it had been the big diary instead. But there’s nothing I can do about it now. I’ve decided not to think about the diary and my other things anymore because it would just tear

me apart. Maybe I’ll find them again someday. If I lose that hope, I might as well be buried alive. There’s an old saying: “Expect the unexpected.” Leo has already left. I’ll never forget that farewell. I’m sitting here in exile, in the room by the piano, when he came up to me. He told me to promise him that I wouldn’t close myself off and isolate anymore. Out of sheer desperation, I said yes. I could hardly speak; I was on the verge of tears. I also gave him a picture of myself.

After he left, I went into the back and started crying so much that I couldn’t stop. I just realized that I’ve lost a trustworthy and wonderful person. Who knows when we’ll see each other again. Hopefully soon. I would really love to see him again, just like I would the other boys. Almost all the older boys have left. Now something else : yesterday, I was with Berta at the tailor’s, and Schuldenfrei saw us. He then told Joschko about it. Joschko came to us today and held a sicha. He said that anyone who dares to leave the house again will be put out on the lawn in front of the Villa. I was supposed to have left already, but I’m not really interested in all of that. I’ve also started learning English to distract myself.

Monday, September 19, 1943

Despite everything, I finally have all my things together.

Saturday, September 25, 1943

Salli is back in the room with Nelly. I don’t really talk to him at all. I honestly don’t know why. But it feels good. However, it’s a very strange feeling. He rejected my friendship, and now he’s friends with someone else. But I’m not upset about it at all. Hilde was here again, and she told such wonderful stories because she’s staying with a farmer. I would love to live with a farmer family. They really have a full life there. People everywhere say we’re living in a real prison. It’s true. We’re not allowed to go outside at all. Something new has happened, too: all the older boys over 18 were supposed to cross the border to Switzerland. Since it was dangerous for some boys, only Bobbi and Arnold went, along with Joschko. Joschko is coming back, though, because he’s just checking to see if we can cross legally. I hope we can manage to go. One worry I have is that all the boys have already written, except Leo. Kuki and Giuseppe are close to where they need to be. Some say there was a bombing when Leo left. It’s been eight days now – who knows what has happened. As for me, I’m just reading all day because I have nothing else to do. If I had thread, I would have fixed up my things.

Sunday, September 26, 1943

I’m in such a terrible mood today that I couldn’t speak all day. Oh, Mutti, I’m feeling such longing for you again. I just heard that Joschko returned from Switzerland and said that we might be able to cross the border in a week. Earlier, Hansl told us that eight people will be going over every day. Tomorrow, Hansl is going with the Lied family. After that, we should be able to go, too. Joschko is really something special. Going to Switzerland is truly amazing; it’s always been our dream. But crossing over the mountains now is a really big and hard thing. But when it’s about saving your life, you just do it anyway. Oh, Mutti, if you only knew everything right now, you would be so happy. Hopefully we’re not getting excited too soon. I don’t even have a suitcase in which to pack my things. I hope I’ll get one. Let’s hope for the best.

Thursday, October 7, 1943

First of all, I can say that I’ve left the Villa and am now living with a religious family (a pastor). I’m doing really well here. I have my own room and a nice bed, plus good food. I have to say that I feel very comfortable. The pastor in the seminary brought me to his family. The people here are very kind to me. In the house, there’s a father, a mother, a daughter, a son, a maid, and four small children that the pastor took in out of compassion. I felt a bit sick yesterday because I ate too much at lunch. The mother was really worried about me, but I kept reassuring her. I went to bed early, and today I’m already feeling much better.